Do You Love Me?

(Composed February 14, 2005 - how fitting...)

Do you truly love me more than these? (John 21:15)


Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time:

How deeply penetrating are these words.

The more you ask, the more revealing they become.

Yes, Lord, I love you. You know that I love you.

But do I love you completely?

Do I love you first?

I have other loves.

I love my life.

I love myself.

I love my family, my friends.

What about those loves, Lord?

Do I love you more than them?

Perhaps I don’t.

My heart is conflicted. I want my eyes to stay fixed on you but I can’t help but also fix them on myself, on my wounds, on my burdens, and from there, fix them on to others, to whom my interaction with them is the root is these wounds and struggles.

After these gazes, it is then that my eyes are fixed on you, a cry for help, for salvation, for hope.

Such is the direction of my gaze and hence, the direction of my love.

They begin from within and then look outward and from outward, upward.


Lord, you know all things

This was Peter’s response and I make it my own.

You know all things; you know why I am in this state.

It is perhaps that my gaze finds it final rest in you, since you alone can make sense of my confusion.

But you ask for more.

Not only must you be the end, you must be the beginning.

My love must begin with you and from you, to myself then to others.

From others, then it must return to you.

You know all things, Lord, and I don’t.

Yet I cannot in my own weakness shift my focus from myself to you.

I must begin with myself.

I cannot begin anywhere else.

And in this is rooted my weakness: that I trust myself more than I trust you.

My own actions betray my speaking, for though I don’t know and understand all things and you do, yet I trust myself more than you do.

You are dangerous, Lord.

You are dangerous because you are holy.

You are dangerous in that if I go your way, it would mean abandoning my own will and my own trust and placing myself in the hands of another.

And this is beyond my security.

This places me in the realm of danger.

And I am afraid.

With love comes trust and with trust is love.

So the question becomes, Can I trust you more than I trust myself?

I want to draw near but not too close, because if I do, I might lose myself, I might lose control and if I lose control, I fear that worst, utter chaos and even death itself.

But that is what you ask of me.

You know my own insecurities. Where is your compassion.

Is it here? Perhaps it is rooted in that very word.

Cum-passio: you suffer with me. This is your great claim.

Not only are you with me, not only are you watching me.

You suffer with me.

You sense and feel in the very heart of your being that which burdens and breaks my heart.

So what if you suffer with me?

Then I am not alone.

You have always suffered with me.

You know all things, you know my weaknesses, you see my conflicting heart, you see how I want to draw so near to you and run so far from you.

You are safe yet dangerous.

And yet, through my cascading emotions, you stayed.

You stayed, suffering with me through my fluctuating states.

You have shown yourself faithful and with faithfulness comes love

Faithfulness is the ground for trust.

And so you ask again,

Do you truly love me?

Can you trust me?

To shift my focus from myself to you would thus mean to shift my focus from my weakness to your faithfulness, from my doubt to your love.

Can I love you more than these?

I’m afraid to say I want to.

What will happen with my life?

What will happen to my relationships with others?


When you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go

Why would I follow you if you will bring me to where I don’t want to go?

I will go to where I am afraid?

I will go to where I am hurting?

Why?

Because that’s where you went.

That’s where you are.

By your Cross, by you went to where I am hurting, you went to where I am afraid.

Why would I want to follow you there?

Because that is where I am.

I cannot see it, I cannot accept it.

But if my focus begins with my fear and my shames, with my sadness and my hurt, it is because that’s where I am. I cannot be anywhere else.

I can block it out.

I can make myself believe that I’m not there.

I can think I’m running away from it

But if my focus always begins there, then in reality, I have never left.

I am steeped in my fears, in my shames.

And it is there where I am conversing with you?!?!

I have never left even though I thought I did

And you have never left even though I thought you did!

My worst fear is right before my face.

You put me right before my own presence

And it’s an ugly presence.

I’m not afraid because I may be in a living nightmare,

I’m afraid because I already am!

This is where you want me to glorify you?

Where I am afraid and I am ashamed?

This is where your glory dwells.

The ugliness of my fears and shames is drowned in the beauty of your faithfulness

You overcome my own insecurities and find me right where I hide myself afraid of being hurt yet desperately hoping to be found.

True love banishes fear.


Follow me!

From here, you want to lift me up.

But I won’t let you because I trust myself more than you.

Can I follow you?

It will not depend on my weakness but on your strength.